James, there is some interesting psychology behind escalation to a manager. Often an angry person will calm down because their problem is being given importance – and because they want to appear to be the “sane” party in the conflict once it reaches a manager – which makes escalation a very strategic tool in spots. And the fact that you understand the roots of customer anger, e.g. a demand for attention, certainly makes it go that much better.

Seyi, if I could boil down what psychologists say about how to communicate in difficult situations, it is to speak from within the mindset of the upset customer – which sounds obvious, but amazingly 20 years ago many communications books were more focused on “selling” your perspective. Today (such as books like “Crucial Conversations” or “Difficult Conversations,” the latter of which was based on the Harvard Negotiation Project) the focus is more on techniques like acknowledgement, validation, chaining agendas to solutions – the mechanics, which are still evolving, are fascinating. I totally agree with your view of the world.

Michelle, what you doing with your Q-tip is what therapists call “reframing” – choosing different terms for what you tell yourself, which in turn affects your words, tone of voice, facial expressions, etc. with the customer. Very cool! And I totally agree that the silent customers who just walk (or complain to others) are the really scary ones.

William, thanks for asking – although I’ve “branded” this article around my latest book What to Say to a Porcupine, a more detailed discussion of this is in a previous book Great Customer Connections (AMACOM, 2006), which looks at the psychology of how customers react to what we say. P.S. I really like your approach too!