Let’s take a very common example. You probably wake up every morning thinking, correctly, that you are a nice person. But then you come to work and take a call from someone who sounds a little frustrated with a computer problem. You say, “I understand, sir,” and he gets even more upset. Then he makes an unreasonable demand, and you try to tell him very politely that what he wants isn’t possible. He then starts going ballistic and demanding to speak to a supervisor, at which point you escalate him with obvious relief.

You may think that you were done in by a difficult customer, but I disagree. You were done in by linguistics.

In this and subsequent blog entries, I am going to discuss the mechanics of what to say for the four most common “stuck points” in a difficult customer transaction: how to connect with someone in the first 30 seconds, how to deliver bad news, how to avoid simply saying “no” to people, and how to defuse someone’s anger. All of these issues involve specific (and in some cases, fairly recent) techniques taken from modern behavioral psychology, and as a former help desk executive and veteran of 25,000 support calls, I can also say that they work extremely well.

In the process, you will come to see handling difficult support transactions for what it really is: a thoughtfully composed performance that anyone can learn and master, regardless of personality. Let’s start with how you connect with someone, using the example above. You can break this down into three simple rules:

1. Drop the catch phrases “I understand” and “I’m sorry”. 50 years ago, these phrases meant what they said. Today, they are mouthed so often by disengaged service professionals that the average person processes them as “I could care less.” Keep the sentiments, just change the words.

2. Don’t panic – paraphrase. Tomorrow, when you go shopping, dining, or calling for service, pay attention to an interesting dynamic: 98 per cent of the time, no one will acknowledge or paraphrase what you say. But according to psychologists, this is one of the most powerful ways to let people know that you hear them, understand them, and that it is safe to talk about their issue.

In my live training courses I often do a powerful role-playing exercise where one person is angry, and the other person does nothing but paraphrase him or her. It is almost magical to watch the temperature drop, even though no problem-solving has taken place yet. To do it effectively, use you own words to rephrase customer issues, and avoid repeating them back word-for-word.

3. Share your knowledge. In those golden first 30 seconds of a support call, one of the first things a customer – particularly a “porcupine” – is looking for is that warm, fuzzy feeling that someone can help them. Sharing your expertise with forward-looking statements like, “I have seen many problems like this” or “I have some questions that will help us narrow down our focus” shares confidence, and sets you up for a critically important technique we will discuss in a future blog: focusing on what you can do.

To slip in a shameless plug for my friends at Parature, this is one area where CRM can be your best friend. With a customer issue at your fingertips, or a knowledge base of similar solutions, you can quickly become the expert for a wide range of issues. Combined with your communications skills, you can confidently start defusing even the prickliest of porcupines. Stay tuned and welcome your thoughts!

Rich Gallagher is a communications skills expert, author, and former help desk executive. His book What to Say to a Porcupine: 20 Humorous Tales that Get to the Heart of Excellent Customer Service (AMACOM, 2008) was a national #1 customer service and business humor bestseller that was a finalist for the 2008 Business Book Awards, and his latest book How to Tell Anyone Anything (AMACOM, 2009) explores the mechanics of difficult workplace conversations. Visit Rich online at www.pointofcontactgroup.com